Dealing with shame and blame

Survivors often carry a lot of shame which should not be theirs. Dealing with shame and absolving oneself of blame are important steps.

When a child grows up with people who are emotionally aware, the experience of shame which is passed on to the child is healthy and nourishing. When a child is brought up by shame-based parents, (those who cannot mirror and affirm their child’s emotions), the shame learnt is toxic. Shame and blame are often toxic in abusive households.

Once learned, toxic shame continues to be created from inside of oneself. People affected by it judge themselves, rather than judging their actions. If they make a mistake or do something wrong, they judge themselves as bad, rather than judging their actions as imperfect. They live in terror of unexpected exposure - of others seeing them as they see themselves. Their shame separates them from others, causing them to disown their real selves and create a false self (a mask) that they present to the world.

The false selves created by different individuals are many, varied and hard to identify. Studying the 'Family of Origin' can provide clues as to how to break the cycle. As the false self is formed, the authentic self goes into hiding. The defensive layers and pretence can become so powerful that all awareness of who you are is lost. Different people create different false selves, which can be polar opposites eg a superachieving perfectionist or an addict. Both are driven to cover up their authentic self. The false self may be a 'Perfectionist' or a 'Slob', a 'Family Hero' or a 'Family Scapegoat'. Individuals may cover up in ways that appear to be polar opposites, but neurotic shame is the core motivator of the 'Superachiever' and the 'Underachiever', the 'Star' and the 'Scapegoat', the 'Righteous' and the 'Wretched', the 'Powerfu'l and the 'Pathetic'.

Shame can be a healthy human emotion. Healthy shame keeps us grounded, by providing us with limits. Healthy shame gives us permission to be human. Healthy shame can stop us wasting ourselves on goals we cannot reach, or on things we cannot change. Healthy shame allows our energy to be integrated rather than diffused.

Abandonment

Abandonment describes how we lose our authentic self and cease to exist psychologically (we operate out of our false selves). Many people harm themselves because they can’t find their authentic self and feel as though they don’t exist. Parents who have shut down emotionally (shame-based parents) and cannot mirror and affirm their children’s emotions, cannot help their children learn about themselves. Without reflective mirrors, children cannot know who they are and this process is vital in the first years of life.

Abandonment includes a loss of mirroring, the result of which is that shame is then internalised and toxic.

Healthy ways of overcoming shame and guilt include:

arrow right Commitment to the family/relationships: Strong family or relationship ties in which individuals are committed to one another can help overcome shame and blame.

arrow right Spend time together: Individuals who believe in the reality of the commitment, like to share time with one another. They do things together - fun things eg. projects, camping, holidays, family celebrations. These shared activities contribute to a sense of belonging.

arrow right Good communication: Strong families or those in healthy relationships have members who are good listeners and skilled at expressing their thoughts, desires and feelings.

arrow right Express appreciation: It is important to be able to express one’s appreciation, affection and encouragement within any relationship as well as to be sincere and be able to build one another up emotionally. Even when conflict arises, individuals can still express positive things to each other. Parents should ideally model this behaviour for their children.

arrow right Ability to cope with stress and crises: Strong families, or those in healthy relationships have the ability to resolve the problems they encounter. Dealing with problems together can help cement relationships.